October 2023 Newsletter

What is the difference between parents that work together to negotiate the time spent with children on holidays, and parents who fight and insist on getting his or her way?

Children who have miserable holidays and $2500.

Let’s try to look at this from the perspective of our children. Despite our best efforts to keep children out of the arguments that we have about holiday timesharing, we aren’t able to shield the children from everything. Our kids aren’t stupid – they can sense when mom or dad’s mood has turned sullen or hostile after getting off the phone with the other parent. Sometimes in a moment of frustration we carelessly mention to a friend or relative how obstinate the other parent is being, without knowing that children are within hearing distance. Other times, we have a lapse of judgment and just come right out and speak our mind to the children, expecting that the message will be relayed to the other parent.

I remember a Christmas Eve when I was in elementary school when a step-parent made a quick comment in the beginning of the day about the perceived unfairness of the holiday schedule. That parent (and the coinciding step- parent) had visitation with us (my younger brother and I) that year on Christmas Eve from 9:00AM – 9:00PM. At 9:00PM we were returned to the other parent to observe the remainder of the Christmas Holiday. This was a court-ordered schedule, and because my parents followed this schedule on a rotating even and odd-year basis, each parent got to have us wake up in their home every other Christmas, ready to enjoy the day together. In the days leading up to the holiday, the parent who had Christmas Eve that year insisted on the other parent giving up the night before Christmas so that we could be returned instead on Christmas morning. The other parent disagreed, which was supported by the court-ordered schedule, but it did not stop my parents from taking their jabs at one another about one their respective selfishness and lack of flexibility. Down the hall in my bedroom, I sat and cried, knowing that these angry words and voices were going to make the holidays difficult. Alas, upon being picked up by the parent and the step-parent for Christmas Eve, the very first thing the stepparent said when I opened the door and began to sit down was “Gees it wouldn’t have hurt (your other parent) to let you stay overnight with us just this once. Why didn’t you tell her you wanted to?” Then of course the typical guilt trip followed. By the time we got to that parent’s house a few minutes later, I was already fighting tears.

I know my situation was not unique. Children deal with this unnecessary drama all of the time. During the holiday season, it gets even worse. As parents, we need to follow the rules – follow the court-ordered schedule, don’t demand that exceptions be made, and if there is no schedule, then for heaven’s sake we need to just split the holiday in half. If the other parent happens to get a more favorable observance of time – then we need to just “suck it up”, look forward to the next alternating year, and help our kids have the happiest holiday that they can. Sometimes, you have to “take one for the children” just like you would for the team.

Oh and by the way – if you can’t do this and need to go to Court with an attorney to address this issue, expect to pay up $2500 or more to that attorney to handle the case for you. Seems to me that money could be better spent on Christmas presents or other enrichment of our children’s holiday!

This issue opens with Holiday Survival Guide for Divorced Parents. It is followed by How to Negotiate Holiday Parenting Time. We then conclude the issue with Getting Divorced Kids Through the Holiday Season.

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Holiday survival guide for divorced parents

Katia Hetter, Special to CNN

Published 7:42 AM EST, Wed December 21, 2011

David Murphy hasn’t started shopping for his two boys yet, and he knows he had better get started. The divorced father of two boys, ages 11 and 14, has custody for a full week around Christmas Day this year and needs to get a tree and start buying presents.

Every other year, Murphy (who didn’t want his real name used to protect his children’s privacy) doesn’t have Christmas custody. So, he tries to do something completely different. Divorced for four years, he has traveled with his mother to visit England, where she was born. He has joined his father and stepmother on a trip to Carmel, California.

He hasn’t crashed his ex-wife’s Christmas Day plans, even though she lives only three miles away from his home in suburban Virginia.

“We try not to mess with the schedule when we don’t have to because it’s easier on both parties,” said Murphy. “As each party has moved on, it happened to work that way. We try not to interfere with each other.”

With the U.S. Census Bureau counting nearly 4 million divorced parents in this country, many parents are facing the challenges of negotiating holiday custody schedules, battles over presents, new significant others and simply the pain of being apart.

Whether you have the children for Christmas or not this year, going through a separation or divorce means giving up the dream of a perfect Hanukkah, Christmas or Kwanzaa. With the fantasy of the perfect nuclear family obviously over, it can be lonely even with the kids – but much worse without them. Facing the first holiday since the split, how do people ever survive this holiday season? And eventually even thrive?

Many like Murphy – who credits his ex-wife with keeping the focus on their sons’ well-being during the divorce – have found a new way of parenting beyond divorce. Here are some things that work:

Keep it focused on the kids

You may not expect to have a happy holiday but wouldn’t you like your kids to have a reasonably nice time? Even if you’re right, do you want them remembering you put them in the middle of your battles? And no child wants to feel pressure to choose you over the other parent, whom she loves as much as she loves you.

Parents learn about the payoff later, when their grown children make their own choices about where they spend their holidays. In her book “We’re Still Family,” about adult children of divorce, psychologist Constance Ahrons learned that some adult children refused to visit either parent if the bickering continued. “The children were happiest where parents at least communicated,” said Ahrons, also the author of “The Good Divorce.” “They didn’t want to get caught in the middle, and they wanted to be with both parents.”

Sort out details in advance

Nail down the specifics about who gets which days around the winter holidays, including pickup times and locations. Sometimes the details are in your custody agreement, sometimes not. Put it all on e-mail or in writing and stick to the deal – at least until it becomes routine. If you’re a more casual, less detail-oriented parent, know that you’ll score points with your more time-obsessed ex if you’re on time at drop-off and pick-up. If you’re the detail-oriented parent, plan for your always-late ex to be late as usual and you’ll be less stressed. Do not fight about time or anything else with the children present.

“Put aside the warfare that so often accompanies divorce,” said Steven Grissom, president of DivorceCare, a Christian-based divorce ministry with chapters around the world. “If that carries into a special time in the eyes of child, it makes the holiday experience excruciating.”

Don’t out-Santa each other

If you can speak civilly with your ex, talk about a general budget for presents, the number of presents and what Santa is getting your children. Santa knows which address to deliver the bike or the castle or the Wii, so don’t screw up his planning by having one at each house (unless you both want one at each house). Don’t outdo each other. Remember the spirit of the holidays and avoid trying to buy the children off with fabulous presents. And don’t buy that violent video game for the specific purpose of angering your ex. The same goes for grandparents and new significant others. If they’re interfering in your co-parenting plan, remind them they are not helping your child. At the same time, accept that parents may have different standards about what are acceptable gifts. If you are opposed to electronic games, you may need to accept they will exist at your ex’s house.

Keep some traditions, within reason

Children love routine and ritual, so keep a few family traditions if you can. If you baked dozens of different types of cookies for everyone in your life, reduce the number and type of cookies during your annual baking party but keep your daughter’s favorite snickerdoodles. If your family liked to take a trip into the woods in your ex’s truck to cut down a tree, you may have to explain that your smaller car can’t haul such a tree. “To the extent you can, talk with your children ahead of time and find out what is really important to them,” Grissom said. “If that won’t be possible, maybe you can create a new tradition.”

Don’t push too much togetherness

While some ex-spouses can sing carols around the Christmas tree or light the Hanukkah candles together with the kids and both sets of grandparents, that’s not the reality for everyone. Some do not want to spend time with people who left them or whom they chose to leave. Some people fight every time they see each other. Do not force more togetherness than either of you can handle, and don’t feel guilty about it. (That said, if you haven’t broken up yet, wait until January. Don’t be the Divorcing Grinch Who Stole Christmas.)

Don’t lobby for your sweetheart

Bringing a new significant other to the family festivities can really throw the holidays off-balance for the family, Ahrons said. “One parent will say, ‘Are you really going to bring her to this table?’ or ‘You can come without her.’ Avoid if it’s going to cause trouble, even if the new girlfriend is serious.” Remember, it’s about your kids, not you.

The exception to the rule

If your ex is currently a danger to himself or herself – and/or others – the safety of your children is more important than cooperating during the holidays. In fact, you’re probably trying to break the pattern of your ex ruining holiday celebrations. Elizabeth Jones, who didn’t want her real name used to protect her child, isn’t letting her ex spend the holidays with their daughter for the first time in years. He only recently contacted Jones a couple of weeks ago after disappearing for months. Whenever he sobers up, she first lets him have supervised phone calls for a few weeks, eventually visits with her and their daughter at a neutral location such as a park, followed by visits at her California home. “If my kid weren’t so thrilled every time she got to see him, I would be handling this differently,” said Jones, who has sole custody. “It’s a lot of emotional work for me to put aside my own feelings.”

He’s a jerk

If you’re a saint and your ex is a sinner and won’t take any of your thoughtful recommendations to heart, consider this notion: Safety aside, it’s better for your child for you to let your ex “win” sometimes, even if you’re right. Christmas can sometimes fall on December 27 or even January 6 (the Feast of the Three Kings). Hanukkah is eight nights of fun, so you don’t need to control all eight nights. That doesn’t mean you’re a doormat. It means you’re a good parent.

Your adult child will know you tried to make her life better by trying to compromise with your difficult ex (and yes, children know who was difficult).

“How you react to your ex-spouse is how you are teaching your child to handle conflict, stress and anger,” said Alan Kazdin, a Yale University psychology professor and director of Yale’s Parenting Center. “Giving up a Christmas here or there means you’ll have your child long-term. You want your child to have an ally in you later in life. It’s not only more rewarding; it’s more worthwhile long term.”

How To Negotiate Holiday Parenting Time?

Grown Girl Divorce Blog November 8, 2022

The holidays often bring about feelings of excitement and anxiety. Navigating the holidays can be a challenge for co-parents as each parents’ individual interests may conflict leaving little room for compromise. However, there are steps co-parents can take to negotiate a holiday parenting schedule that works for everyone.

Plan Ahead. Do not wait until a week before a holiday or special occasion (e.g., birthday) to try to figure out a parenting schedule. No matter the time of year, start by pulling together your children’s current school calendar, the list of Federal holidays, and your personal calendar so that you have all dates readily available as part of the holiday parenting time discussion. It is important to include dates for birthdays (parents, children), school breaks and administrative days (e.g., Spring Break, professional development day), and any upcoming special event dates (e.g., wedding, family reunion). For ease of review and organization, try to list the dates in monthly chronological order when putting the information together. If certain dates have already passed, then note how the holiday or special day was allocated between the parents. If the days were “shared” because both parents had time with the children during the day, then write out how the day was shared including in your notes the “pros” and “cons” of the shared arrangement. This will help guide discussions for future planning. The more you plan ahead, the better prepared you are to productively engage in a discussion.

Realistic Expectations. It is entirely possible that you are the person who “decorated the house,” “baked the cookies,” “shopped for costumes,” and everything else associated with holiday planning. Your new family dynamic does not mean you cannot still do all these things, but it may mean that it’s just done on a different day or different way. And that’s okay! You can create new traditions, which complement the old, as you and the children define a new way forward. If there are certain traditions that are important to you, then write them down and rank them in order of priority. However, recognize that you may not get every holiday that you want or may not have the ability to maintain every tradition due to the divorce. Keep in mind that the goal is to create the least amount of stress on your children even if that means facilitating a different holiday plan than expected.

Options for Consideration. Whether you work with your co-parent directly or engage the assistance of an attorney or Mediator, you should prepare for the discussion by asking yourself the following as you work through options for you and your co-parent to consider:

How do we define each holiday? Be specific when discussing the holiday parenting schedule (e.g., does Memorial Day holiday include the weekend or just the Monday), include the pick-up/drop-off times, and the transportation or logistics plan. Having the holiday parenting time clearly defined can help ease anxiety and animosity between co-parents.
How are we allocating the defined holidays? There is no right way to allocate holidays between you. What works for one family may not work for another. Keep in mind, Courts generally want parents to have holiday parenting time and the fact that your co-parent “never cared about the holidays” is not enough to show that only you should have holiday parenting time.
How are we allocating school vacations and non-school days? While certain holidays may fall during school breaks (e.g., Thanksgiving during Fall Break; Christmas or Kwanzaa during Winter Break), it is important to determine a plan for the non-school days during the school break period. Make sure to come up with a plan, even if that plan is to maintain the regular parenting schedule, for the non-school days to avoid any confusion for you or the children. Be sure to include the pick-up/drop-off times and transportation expectations for these days as well.
How should we celebrate birthdays? The ages of your children may often dictate the birthday plans and expectations (e.g., teenagers are making their plans). As part of the holiday planning discussion, think about options for celebrating birthdays with the children whether for the parent’s birthdays or the children’s birthdays. Think about certain considerations for celebrating birthdays including, whether a birthday also falls on a holiday, whether birthday celebrations occur on the actual birthdate or another date, and expectations regarding party planning and expense sharing.

Communication Makes a Difference. Your children are most likely excited about holiday celebrations and want to know the plan, especially if the divorce is pending. You can set the tone for new plans or traditions by positive communication in your words and actions. If there is a new plan, which plan may not include you being present, then help them get comfortable with the plan by answering their questions without including disparaging or negative references to the other parent. Their stress and anxiety about holiday plans may be alleviated if they feel that you are not stressed, anxious, or upset about the new plan…even if you are not happy about it. Change is inevitable in life and helping your children navigate life changes can be the best gift you give during the holiday season.

Planning for the holidays can be stressful and overwhelming for co-parents. Whether your first time negotiating the holiday parenting schedule or modifying an established holiday parenting schedule, it is important to identify the potential holiday parenting schedule issues as soon as possible and take steps to resolve them well in advance of the holiday or special occasion. If you are unable to resolve the holiday parenting schedule directly, then seek out the assistance of an attorney or mediator to help you navigate a holiday parenting plan that works for everyone.